Bipolar Mania!!!!
Written by Kim Barnett's noisy brain...
Introducing our guest writer Kim Barnett. The Noisy Brain are extremely grateful that Kim has kindly agreed to submit various articles within our community as a guest writer.
Please subscribe and follow Kim:
Kim, is the author of 'My Bipolar Voice' and can be found on her Website of the same name.
and also on Instagram @kim_is_joy
This is how Kim introduces herself on her own website, followed by her appropriate article released on World Bipolar Day; - 'Bipolar Mania!!!!'
"My name is Kim Barnett, and I was diagnosed with Bipolar I Disorder in my early 20’s. It has affected most aspects of my life, sometimes positively and sometimes negatively. My hope is that this blog will be therapeutic, not only for myself, but for others struggling with Bipolar Disorder or any other mental health obstacles. Self care is immensely important! Please join me on my mental health growth journey by reading, and possibly we can start to end the stigma associated with mental illness. As you can see I’m open about my mental health and all are welcome to subscribe, comment, like and share." - Kim Barnett
Bipolar Mania!!!! - an article by Kim Barnett
As I write now, it is 3:25 AM Monday morning, and I CANNOT SLEEP. Unfortunately, I’ve been up, wide awake, since 2 AM. This is not my everyday norm, but it is part of the norm for me when I am experiencing Bipolar Mania.
As you already may know, from my previous blogs, I have Bipolar Disorder, which comes with extreme highs in mood and energy, and extreme lows in mood and energy level. Currently I am experiencing one of those highs, and have been in this euphoric state since the beginning of February of 2019. I’m learning that my mood and energy level changes are cyclical, and happen around the same times every year, (approximately every 6 months or so).
So you may be asking, why is this such a big deal? I’ve had many friends say to me, “I have trouble sleeping and have mood changes too. Does this mean I may be bipolar as well?” Obviously, I’m not a doctor, and cannot answer that question for anyone with absolute certainty, but I can offer my experience with the disorder, and help them decide if they need to look into their own mental health with a professional. I usually share the following with my friends to help them decide if they need to look further into their sleeping and mood changes.
When I am in a Manic Episode, I need very little sleep or no sleep at all, and can function normally for some days, without being tired at all. My moods are to the extreme.
If something makes me happy, I’m ten times happier about it than normal, and I feel like I’m on top of the world, where nothing can bring me out of my happy/euphoric state. Everyone is my friend, including strangers. I talk a lot, so much so, that I’ve talked to where my voice goes away, and I still try to talk. There is no fear at all of people, places or things. I could go into a room of 500 people, and give a speech about anything, and not be nervous one bit. For example, at a church retreat when I was a teenager, I gave a speech in front of 300 plus teenagers, about Christ and what he had done in my life and in the lives of other teens that I had shared the word with. This sounds great, but I usually do not like to speak in front of large or even small crowds, so it’s not in character for me. I feel like I’m rich, both literally and figuratively, which means I feel like and usually do, buy anything I want, without regard to my budget or how much money I have. I bought so much stuff in a Manic Episode one time that I went to fill up my car with gas, and was denied at the pump, due to insufficient funds. I had no idea I had spent all of my money. I ended up, having to beg for change from strangers, and had no shame in doing so. Eventually, after 4 or 5 days of no sleep at all, or about 2 months of less sleep than normal, I start to have psychosis. This is where the fun stops!
Psychosis for me is scary. I don’t know who I am, sometimes believing I’m famous, and even one time believing I was Dave Chappelle. It’s funny now, but for a long time it was scary to me that I thought I was a man. I get really paranoid, thinking everyone is talking about me, or that people are following me. One time, I drove in my car for hours, across multiple cities in the valley, believing random strangers were following me. Crazy, right? Eventually, It gets really bad, and I have to admit myself into the Behavioral Health Unit (AKA Psych Ward). I’m one of the lucky ones, and always take myself and do not get 5150’d (Involuntary Commitment).
The point of telling you all of this is so you can be more informed on Bipolar Disorder and Bipolar Mania as a whole. So many people throw out the term “Bipolar” to explain other people’s behaviors, but a lot of times have no idea what the disorder actually entails. My hope is that my experience can help shed some sort of light on the disorder, and help people to understand it, and decide whether or not they believe they may have the disorder, or know someone who does, who may need to seek professional help.
I hope this explains a bit about the disorder, as it pertains to mania, and hope it helps someone find the help they need. Hopefully I can get some better sleep in the upcoming days and not go through what I just explained above.
Written by Kim Barnett's noisy brain.
Thanks to Kim for sharing this piece and helping The Noisy Brain community understand a little more about Bipolar.
Let's all try to be more aware of each others problems and understand that inside everyone, they are dealing with their own shit. If we all become more empathetic, we just might help someone during their day.
As ‘Noisy Brainers’ let's be the one's who are checking in on our friends, family members or on occassions strangers.
We all need to learn the importance of checking up on people.
#itsokaytotalk
Please be the one, be responsible, don’t leave it all to someone else.
If you or anyone you know is feeling vulnerable please reach out.
Call any of the many relevant numbers online or visit the 'GETTING HELP' section on The Noisy Brain community app. The 'HELP' section can be found within the ‘MENTAL HEALTH + WELLNESS’ button on the apps homepage.
If you identify with any of the stories within The Noisy Brain, you may need to talk to someone. #ITSOKAYTOTALK
There are a number of self-help groups for adults across the country and also many online forums. Organisations who can offer support include:
Mind -
Helpline UK: 0300 123 3393
Instagram @mindcharity
(https://www.instagram.com/mindcharity/)
Samaritans UK - (https://www.samaritans.org/)
Helpline UK: 116 123
Instagram @samaritanscharity (https://www.instagram.com/samaritanscharity/)
CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably), (www.thecalmzone.net/)
UK Helplines available from 5pm to midnight, 365 days a year, on:
0800 58 58 58 (nationwide)
and 0808 802 58 58 (London)
Anxiety UK - (https://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/)
Helpline: 03444 775 774
Instagram @anxietyukofficial (https://www.instagram.com/anxietyukofficial/)
Supportline UK (https://www.supportline.org.uk/)
Helpline: 01708 765200
Our good friends at Andy's Man Club have a growing number of men's talk clubs all around the UK. They encourage men to open up and talk, please check them out here:
Andy's Man Club UK (https://andysmanclub.co.uk/)
Instagram @andysmanclubuk (https://www.instagram.com/andysmanclubuk/)
© The Noisy Brain & My Bipolar Voice 2022
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AN ANXIOUS MIND
Written by Kevin Gavaghan's noisy brain...
“I paint... because it allows me to tell my story, because it's great therapy and I just simply love doing it…my story is one of Tourette's, anxiety, mental health, love, laughter, loss, anger, fear, lots of highs and lots of lows and it is still being written. Everyday my art lets a little more sunshine into my life.”
“I paint because when we go a little deeper we can see how similar we all are”
"PS...Be Kind, thanks" - Kevin Gavaghan. .
An Anxious Mind
I should probably start by saying that I opened a blank page to start writing this about 4 weeks ago and have been staring at it on and off since, thinking about what to write, on a repetitive cycle of opening it up, closing it down and then opening up again, which as it turns out, has worked in my favour, because this has become my opening.
If I met you face to face and I would probably happily oblige in chatting on forever about my life but leave me to my own devices and the rattling and whirring cogs start to over-vibrate, the over thinking takes hold, and nothing gets done.
I don’t have to many memories of a time where I didn’t have some form of MH issue and as I mentioned, if you were to meet me, you, like many friends and colleagues over the years would probably describe me as a confident, social and friendly guy. That is true, I am, and I enjoy going out, meeting people, laughing and joking (It’s all gone a bit dating site profile). However, to those close to me, that can read between the lines, they see a slight ’some-thing else’, an outer confidence and inner thinker, slightly less confident person, an edge of vulnerability…like a ‘tell’ in poker, something that shows the person within me.
I have many chapters to my story and today we won’t start at the beginning but a little further in. Today is about the chapter on anxiety.
I guess it all started in my very early 20s and progressively getting worse. I don’t recall the first time I felt really anxious or broke into a full-on anxiety attack or panic attack as it is also known. I think that’s probably because anxiety has become part of me, the ‘Norm’ so to speak so I will talk about a few experiences and take things from there.
I developed Tourette’s when I was 12, physical tics not verbal, I will talk about that in an-other post but what I will say is that having Tourette’s in the early 1980s in a largely Irish catholic community in North London brought about its own complexities and one was, that little was known about Tic Tourette’s. Another was that when I Tic’d (which was al-ways) I stood out like a rock band in a meditation class. This been said, I guess I developed a complex for thinking people were staring at me, which they were but… I did get a complex about it.
So, having years of people staring and whispering and talking and name calling (and that was just the teachers at my school)… we can jump forward 8ish years to when I left school and education behind. I ran off to a Kibbutz to escape and then returned and got a bar job in central London. Things were good for a while, I was making good money and meeting new and exciting people, I was experiencing freedom of my own choice and it all felt very liberating. A far cry from the teenage years of Tics, doctors and Psychologists. I still had Tics of course but I could hide them more and people seemed more accepting of them and me.
Bar hours were long and there was a large amount of burning the candle at both ends and meting the wax in the middle too because often after closing me and a few others would relax by having a few beers and then a few more before heading home for a short night sleep, then up, shower and back to the bar for a full day shift. I loved it, it was a great at the time, I have no complaints for that short period of my life. When I had a night off, I would head to my local pubs, go to parties and gigs and spend time with my inner circle of friends.
After a few months maybe my batteries run a bit low and I remember having these strange shakes and sweats coming on, just as we were about to start a busy shift. As they progressed, I would begin to feel hypersensitive in my hands, legs and feet, like my palms and the soles of my feet tingled. My stomach would feel knotty, and I would feel a little light-headed. I would take a moment and steady myself. I knew something was amiss, but I had a history of Tics and feeling pretty shitty, so I just… managed.
As time went on, over maybe a month or so, the feelings progressively got worse, and each episode would last a little longer…then… BOOM… something went off… I remember going to meet some friends in a pub in North London where I lived. I had all the sensations mentioned above as I walked up to the doors of the pub but on this one occasion as I reached for the handle of the door, everything, like… slowed down, I could hear the rumble of voices of the people in the packed bar, I felt the cold metal of the door handle on my finger tips and skin, my foot wear become heavier and my mouth started to dry, the door opened very slowing and it felt like I was walking through the doorway in slow motion. It was like I was looking through a concave glass everything closed in around me and I was hyper aware of people looking a me as I tried to squeeze my way to the bar. I was like Alice as she walked down the corridor gradually getting bigger whilst the hall around her got smaller. I could feel every bit of my clothing against my skin, and I started feeling really hot, like sweating hot, all I could think of was getting to the bar to steady my-self.
‘Kev’ came the voices from somewhere… the heat, ceiling coming in, floor coming up, people’s faces staring, the distorted muffled voices from them same faces like I was wearing a fishbowl over my head, the air was thick.
The closer I got to the bar the further it seemed to pull away… it was frightening… then all of a sudden I touched the bar rail, a distant mumbled voice of ‘Kev’ came through, again… ’Kev’… this time a little clearer… ‘what can I get ye Kev, Guinness?’… ‘You ok fella?’… The bar man, Paul, was talking to me, I recall him standing right there asking me if I was ok and what I wanted to drink.
I ordered two pints of Guinness and he poured them, I remember gripping the bar rail really tight to steady myself and just staring at the bar top, centering in on the bar felt comfortable.
Paul gave me the first pint and continued to pour the second, by the time he got the second one in front of me I had finished the first. It was gone, and as I started drinking the second pint my anxiety started to ease.
I stayed in that position for some time, maybe a couple pints more and a few conversations with friends who had come over to greet me. After explaining to them I had some ‘Proper weird trip coming in’ I calmed within the comfort and company of familiar faces.
I would like to say that when I woke the next day, with a heavy head I might add, things were all good but as like every post night out came a heavy bout of the Tics, only this time there was also something else to join them, the feeling of dread and a question of ‘what was that about?’. I discovered I had anxiety, walking around with me, covering me like a wet raincoat. The feeling was now a worry about when and where am I going to get another explosion go off in my head that will cause me to experience a full-on panic attack. You see, this is what anxiety does, it holds you prisoner, it makes itself the center of attention in your life, it is arrogant, selfish and self-centered and follows you around waiting for you, looking over your shoulder, constantly squeezing your head for its own self-gratification and ready to pounce at any given moment.
How long did I have to wait for the next one? not very long, these panic attacks, of various strengths, would come and go for many years to come. I would get between 5 and 10 a day when things were at their worst, every day for years.
I found solace in my own company and having a drink or two calmed me down a lot, so of course I drank. I left my bar job or more accurately, the landlady and I came to an agreement that I best leave due to the risk of me having a panic attack at work behind the bar, in front of customers. I only asked her for some time to go therapy and switch off, still, health comes first.
I went therapy in St Anne's Hospital in North London. I realised that the Tics were probably the catalyst for the anxiety. Having had meds in previous years I refused the medication on offer at the time, choosing to try and get this under control for myself. I indulged myself in self-respect and doing the things I enjoyed. I took time to myself, I painted a bit, met up with friends and family. I removed myself from situations that made me feel anxious.
As time passed the anxiety attacks would increase and decrease from month to month. I got a job as a warehouse picker, which led onto a supervisory role and then into retail management. Not a career I would choose but I started to take back some control from the anxiety. Work allowed me to remove myself from situations where I felt uneasy like if I was Tic’-ing and conscious of people staring, potentially leading onto a panic attack etc. Being in management meant I could make decisions and delegate to my benefit; in more recent years I became a data analyst before becoming a full-time artist in 2019.
The incident I mentioned above is just one of many and was common for a time in my twenties and as life moved on into my 30s and 40s anxiety and I began to walk side by side. Every so often it would poke me in the face just to remind me it was still there, but over time the daily attacks became weekly, and the weekly became monthly. They have probably become seasonal now, I am 50 now so it’s been a 30-year relationship. The bad ones have become annually, and I hope to rid myself of them totally someday.
My therapy these days is art, my partner and my kids. I paint, my partner supports me in becoming an artist and my kids tell me how great I am, what’s not to like. I paint my memories, emotions and feelings of all those years with MH issues and I remind people that we are all very similar with a lot of the same anxieties in life… the difference tends to be that people often think they are alone in their struggles, especially at the beginning. They’re not, you’re not, reach out, talk, listen, be kind. Kevin .
It takes courage to admit that you need help.
Please talk to someone sooner rather than later.
Please reach out to someone close, someone who you trust.
It really does help.
Seeking help from others who understand the problems is Not only important for yourself, it will be useful to both your partner, friend's or family. If you have questions or If you think you are experiencing any medical condition, you should seek immediate medical attention from a doctor or other professional healthcare provider.
If you identify with any of the stories within The Noisy Brain, you may need to talk to someone. #ITSOKAYTOTALK
There are a number of self-help groups for adults across the country and also many online forums. Organisations who can offer support include:
Mind - (https://www.mind.org.uk/)
Helpline UK: 0300 123 3393
Instagram @mindcharity
(https://www.instagram.com/mindcharity/)
Samaritans UK - (https://www.samaritans.org/)
Helpline UK: 116 123
Instagram @samaritanscharity (https://www.instagram.com/samaritanscharity/)
CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably), (www.thecalmzone.net/)
UK Helplines available from 5pm to midnight, 365 days a year, on:
0800 58 58 58 (nationwide)
and 0808 802 58 58 (London)
Anxiety UK - (https://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/)
Helpline: 03444 775 774
Instagram @anxietyukofficial (https://www.instagram.com/anxietyukofficial/)
Supportline UK (https://www.supportline.org.uk/)
Helpline: 01708 765200
Our good friends at Andy's Man Club have a growing number of men's talk clubs all around the UK. They encourage men to open up and talk, please check them out here:
Andy's Man Club UK (https://andysmanclub.co.uk/)
Instagram @andysmanclubuk (https://www.instagram.com/andysmanclubuk/)
The Noisy Brain appreciate any support that helps Kevin continue creating his art and promoting mental health awareness.
Support Kevin at any of these links:
Instagram: @kmgartist
Thanks you for any support you can offer Kevin.
Cover image: 'Out of Sight (A self portrait)' 2018
Oil painting on stretched canvas. 40cm x 50cm - Kevin Gavaghan
© The Noisy Brain 2021
Kevin Gavaghan
Kevin Gavaghan, is an artist and an advocate for mental health awareness. He speaks openly about his mental and emotional struggles with Anxiety and Tourette’s making beautiful pieces of art. Support him on instagram and share the love.
Instagram: @kmgartist
Thanks you for any support you can offer Kevin.
The Noisy Brain appreciate any support that helps Kevin continue creating his art and promoting mental health awareness.
Support Kevin at any of these links:
Cover image: 'Out of Sight (A self portrait)' 2018
Oil painting on stretched canvas. 40cm x 50cm - Kevin Gavaghan
A Kind Stranger
Written by Nick Kira's noisy brain...
Never underestimate the power you have to change someone’s day, mindset, life, just by talking…
What do I mean by this?
Well…
Yesterday, I went to meet someone about some potential work.
I arrived 20 minutes early for this meeting, so rather than impose myself on someone who I knew was pushed for time that day, I sat on a nearby bench at the opposite end (social distancing and all that) from a perfect stranger.
I decided to do a bit of people watching, to while away the minutes. As I sat there, I realised I was a little tired and probably in need of caffeine, so started yawning. One yawn led to a succession of them and before I knew it, tears were streaming from my eyes and my nose was running.
Lacking a tissue, all I could do was sniffle and wipe my eyes a little.
Bored of looking to my right, I turned to my left – towards the stranger at the other end of the bench … and the stranger spoke to me.
She asked me; ‘Are you alright?’
I was a little taken aback as this was London and strangers just don’t speak to each other, but I answer; ‘Yes, I’m okay – why do you ask?’
She replied; ‘Because I saw you had tears coming down your face’.
I was taken aback again – this was a very kind gesture, to check on me, as tears could be for any number of reasons. For starters, we were outside a hospital – I could have a sick relative in there.
I composed myself and answered; ‘I’m fine thanks, I’ve just been yawning so I had tears in my eyes … thank you so much for asking’.
She came back with; ‘Not at all – I had to check’.
We gave each other a smile, I thanked her again, and I went back to people watching.
Before she left, she said ‘Goodbye – take care’. She was clearly a good soul.
A couple of months ago, on a rare sunny day in the UK, I visited a park near me.
There’s a path that runs right down the middle of this park, with open fields either side.
I’ll be honest and say I was feeling a bit shitty, so I decided to lie on a patch of grass.
When I look back on it, it must’ve looked a bit odd as I wasn’t lying near other people – I was all on my own.
About 10 minutes passed and I heard the sound of footsteps approaching – that swishing sound you get on grass – so I looked behind me.
A woman and her dog were approaching, with a man (her partner, I assumed) not far behind.
As she saw me spot her, she asked; ‘Are you alright?’
I didn’t feel much like talking, or rather I did but didn’t want to burden her with my shit, so gave her a thumbs up, to which she responded; ‘Okay, just checking’.
She then went on her merry way – dog and partner in tow.
The point I want to make is that I think we should all do this more often – check on strangers, make sure they’re okay.
Nine times out of ten, they’re probably fine; they may not even want to be spoken to.
But that one time, they just might be in need of someone to talk to – they might just be low, or pensive, or in a pickle, or even in the midst of a crisis.
Maybe they’re crying on a train platform, maybe they look wistful on a park bench, maybe they’re sat on the pavement looking lost.
It’d be easy to think ‘I don’t want to be involved in that shit’.
Instead, maybe think ‘what can I say to get them talking?’
You may just be another part of their day… or you may just save a life.
I often wonder how many people – particularly somewhere as dangerous as a train platform – may have been saved by a simple conversation.
We need to put our misgivings aside (especially in London) and, to use an Americanism, reach out to people.
The worst that can happen is that we get a surly ‘fine’ in response to ‘how are you?’ or even get ignored. So what? The indignation will only last a few moments and at least you tried.
But, if your ‘how are you?/are you okay?’ gets a response and that person opens up, you’ll know you were right to ask the question.
So go out and do it – watch out for those people who look like they could use a friend, and talk to them.
Be that kind stranger – you just might save someone.
Written by Nick Kira's noisy brain.
Thanks to Nick for sharing this piece and encouraging The Noisy Brain community to be 'A Kind Stranger'. Let's all try, it just might help someone in their day.
As ‘Noisy Brainers’ please let's be the one's who are checking in on our vulnerable friends, family members or on occassions strangers.
We all need to learn the importance of checking up on people. Please be the one, be responsible, don’t leave it all to someone else.
If you or anyone you know is feeling vulnerable please reach out. Call any of the many relevant numbers online or visit the 'GETTING HELP' section on this community app. The 'HELP' section can be found within the ‘MENTAL HEALTH + WELLNESS’ button on the apps homepage…
Some useful contacts for Mental Health related problems:
It takes courage to admit that you need help. Please talk to someone sooner rather than later. Please reach out to someone close, someone who you trust. It really does help.
Seeking help from others who understand the problems is not only important for yourself, it will be useful to both your partner, friend's or family. If you have questions or If you think you are experiencing any medical condition, you should seek immediate medical attention from a doctor or other professional healthcare provider.
If you identify with any of the stories within The Noisy Brain, you may need to talk to someone. #ITSOKAYTOTALK
There are a number of self-help groups for adults across the country and also many online forums. Organisations who can offer support include:
Mind - (https://www.mind.org.uk/)
Helpline UK: 0300 123 3393
Instagram @mindcharity
(https://www.instagram.com/mindcharity/)
Samaritans UK - (https://www.samaritans.org/)
Helpline UK: 116 123
Instagram @samaritanscharity (https://www.instagram.com/samaritanscharity/)
CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably), (www.thecalmzone.net/)
UK Helplines available from 5pm to midnight, 365 days a year, on:
0800 58 58 58 (nationwide)
and 0808 802 58 58 (London)
Anxiety UK - (https://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/)
Helpline: 03444 775 774
Instagram @anxietyukofficial (https://www.instagram.com/anxietyukofficial/)
Supportline UK (https://www.supportline.org.uk/)
Helpline: 01708 765200
Our good friends at Andy's Man Club have a growing number of men's talk clubs all around the UK. They encourage men to open up and talk, please check them out here:
Andy's Man Club UK (https://andysmanclub.co.uk/)
Instagram @andysmanclubuk (https://www.instagram.com/andysmanclubuk/)
© The Noisy Brain 2021
Thanks to Nick KIRA...
...for sharing this piece and encouraging The Noisy Brain community to be 'A Kind Stranger'. Let's all try, it just might help someone through their day.
As ‘Noisy Brainers’ please let's be the one's who are checking in on our vulnerable friends, family members or on occassions strangers.
We all need to learn the importance of checking up on people. Please be the one, be responsible, don’t leave it all to someone else.
If you or anyone you know is feeling vulnerable please reach out. Call any of the many relevant numbers online or visit the 'GETTING HELP' section on this site or on the community app. The 'HELP' section can be found within the ‘MENTAL HEALTH + WELLNESS’ button on the apps homepage…
#mentalhealth #music #wellness
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